I’m late publishing this piece this month because, ironically, I couldn’t find the space to be present for it. Since moving to Nashville, I’ve been hustling hard. I’m doing 2 to 3 events per week in addition to seeing a full caseload of clients. I’m not complaining— it’s simply what needs to be done as a small business owner in a new city. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it is tiring and that sometimes, in the spare moments that I do have, I want to turn my brain off.
This mental exhaustion, however, got me thinking about impermanence and presence.
“Impermanence? You mean divorce?”
My new acquaintance asks me over coffee— yet another networking coffee. I chuckle through a sip of slightly burnt espresso. “I’m sure that’s what many people will think of,” I say. “But that is far from the whole story…” My new acquaintance is about to learn just how much of an unapologetic nerd I am.
Statistically Speaking
In the US, over 50% of first marriages end in divorce. The number rises to 65% in second marriages, and for third marriages, 75%. If one of those subsequent marriages (the 2nd or 3rd) is to someone who entered the picture as an extra-marital affair partner, the odds immediately jump to above 80%. It’s a fascinating phenomenon, and one I will surely write about in the future. For the sake of our current conversation, however, let’s stick with first marriages.
I explained this to my friend and then asked, “If 50% end in divorce, that means 50% end in…?”
“Uhh,” he paused, hands cupping his mug with earnest, “well, they don’t. Isn’t that the point?”
“Ever?” I asked, pausing momentarily before adding, “Til death do us part.”
“Oh,” he replied, “Yeah, of course. So what?”
The “So What?” is that relationships are inherently impermanent due to our human condition. So maybe looking at the manner in which a marriage ends isn’t the most important thing to consider.
We have examples of incredible love stories written into our cultural consciousness that are truly remarkable and aspirational. But we also have examples of people just staying together in quiet discontent. The latter is no less an option, but hardly seems worth celebrating as a win.
Maybe, the more important question to consider is how a marriage or any committed relationship stays alive until its inevitable end. Is the relationship nurtured and nourished enough to weather the storms of life? Does the relationship yield something greater than the sum of its parts?
If we can agree that focussing on the way a relationship stays alive is more important than the way it dies (because they all eventually do), then the question that emerges is, “What’s the best way to do that?”
The Best Way
Unfortunately, in true therapist (and philosopher) fashion, I can’t tell you. There is no one best way. What I can do, however, is offer you some things to consider along your path to figuring this out.
Presence not Perfection
I always find it curious when a couple proudly announces they’ve never had an argument. I don’t doubt the possibility, but I am always curious why they wear that as a badge of honor— it’s like the adult version of perfect attendance at school. Just because you went to school daily doesn’t mean you learned the most.
As couples therapists and podcast hosts Zach Brittle and Laura Heck love to say, “repair is more important than resolution.” Our ability to reconnect after a rupture in our connection is actually a better predictor of longevity and relationship satisfaction.
Another variation, “We wake up together every morning, and go to bed together every night” says very little about the quality of what occurs in the hours in between those two benchmarks.
Perfection, lack of conflict, or impeccable synchronicity are not the pre-requisites for long-lasting love. No. It’s more about presence— the willingness to continue to show up, however imperfectly, with the goal of learning and practicing how to love our partners well.
Partners who are present with each other tend to display more consistent curiosity about each other in good and bad times. In the beginning, it’s easier — aided by a chemical cocktail of dopamine, norepinephrine, and PEA— we gaze at each other, taking turns asking, “What are you thinking?” Our partners are big mystery boxes just waiting to be discovered and become known to us.
The problem with that image and our assumptions about modern love, however, is that at some point, many of us come to believe we’ve got the other person all figured out. We try until we become overly confident know-it-alls who forget to be curious. Other times, we may become scared that reminders of our partners’ separateness will plague our insecurities and our need for protection and control. Some of us stop asking questions because we are afraid to know the answer.
Staying Curious and Open
According to Drs. John & Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute, you shouldn’t assume that you know who your partner is today just because you went to bed together last night. So how do we stay curious and open across the expanse of decades?
Don’t stop asking questions. Of course, they have to be the right kind of questions. No one likes being on the receiving end of an interrogation.
Commit to being a safe person to speak truth to. How many times in your life have you withheld information from someone not because you wanted to be deceitful but because you were terrified of their response?
By the way, just in case you’re wondering— I find that my clients who are men tend to struggle with #1, and clients who are women tend to struggle with #2. Nonbinary and other gender clients don’t tend to fall neatly into one side or the other, although I think they tend to place more value on #2.
Let’s go back to #1: Asking the right kinds of questions.
Many of you will already know that the right kinds of questions are open-ended questions. Questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes, no, or other one-word answer. Beyond that, however, it’s important that these questions focus on who your partner is as a person—their values, beliefs, dreams, and interests.
“What should we make for dinner tomorrow?” is open-ended, but it’s too practical and function-based to be meaningful in this way.
At the other extreme, “Would you love me if I was a worm?” holds no practical value whatsoever, but it also centers you in the question instead of your partner. Your partner is a whole person whose whole self is worth knowing — not just the parts of them that have to do with you.
10 Open-Ended Questions
Here is a list of 10 open-ended questions that you can use with your partner.
What do you find exciting in your life right now?
What is the most challenging thing for you at work, right now?
What are your biggest worries about the future?
Who are your best allies and friends right now? How have they or you changed?
How do you think we could have more fun in our life this [insert season]?
How have your friendships changed lately? Have you grown closer to some friends or more distant from others?
What things are missing from your life right now?
How have you grown or changed in the last year?
What are some of your life dreams or goals right now?
What’s one way you would like to change?
Notice a couple of things about these questions:
The questions are totally centered on your partner.
There are no “why” questions.
Many of the questions include the phrase “right now,” which invites the realization that your partner is forever changing and growing. And that’s a good thing.
Final Thoughts
We live in a culture that still emphasizes finding the “right person” or checking off the boxes of relationship milestones. In that context, it’s easy to lose sight of meaningful, although less material, wins: remaining present, curious, and open to the ever-evolving otherness of our partner.
If half of all relationships will end in divorce or breakup, and the other half will end with life’s final curtain, then perhaps what’s most worth honoring is not the outcome, but the journey of staying engaged and connected, however imperfectly, in the in-between. When we embrace the natural impermanence and imperfection of our human connections, we can appropriately value the opportunity to know, cherish, and grow with one another—for as long as the story allows.
And another thing…
If you love the idea of working on your relationships and would like to learn more, I’m hosting a virtual online workshop series in December called the 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. Yes, the title says marriage, but it’s for couples in committed relationships, married or not. You can check out all the details by visting https://www.soliloquie.co/7pworkshop and if you use code HOLIDAY50 at checkout you’ll get $50 off the cost of the workshop.
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